shattered reflections

its been a while since i took a proper look at myself
its 12:42am, yeah in poly language its still mid afternoon but for this poor jc kiddo here, bedtime was 2 hours ago.

anyways, back to topic. yeah, looking at myself

ive been giving my all recently, be it in terms of relationships with others and her, and studies

somethings not right. its just not right.

i failed.

but yet, i feel good.

wha-wait, omygosh weesiang, u, feel, good?

lemme explain.
i spend so much time nowadays on non academic stuff, my academics are going to flames. literally.

hence, i sat down and thought and reflected.

examining my old blog posts and gleaning over past achievements

sad to say, im underperforming

yeah, the humane part of weesiang is back. but its just a shadow of his former glory. the weesiang of today is a nervous wreck still, but hes recovering. The prognosis is good; the soul wasnt damaged. the machinery is fine.

However, like all good things, when balancing 2 things, and especially if they are extremely heavy weightage, something has to give. relationships and non academic pursuits such as cca's? or my grades. something has to give.

i dont know, the hell i had to go through, shit that got thrown at my face every single day, those are like ugly scars, phantom scarring that may never fade. However, time patches up everything. underneath that tender patch of self delusion, if i were to open up those horrific wounds, im afraid nice weesiang might start dying once again. ISNT IT SAD? poor weesiang couldnt even have the frickin chance to recover!

anyways, cutting the crap, i know that by studying in that same insane fashion like last year is probably my best and only chance of even sniffing the A levels. Balancing dangerously like this does not cut the cheese. In fact, it barely even makes a dent. i dont know, im just a frickin 17 year old kid that awakes from nightmares every night and haunted by the ghosts of his past. im getting sick of studying. hell, my soul is tired. i can feel it. I've never felt as tired as i am feeling now. and guess what? i havent even started studying yet. yeah.

its gonna be a long post, lots of crap suddenly came to mind.

looking at the legions of retainees, my own personal (i consider her to be kinda like a funny wisecracking bro i can always kid and laugh around) friend retained as well. as did several others. It isnt pretty. Lingering and forlorn spirits? or given a second chance at life? i would never know. seems corny but actually my name was inside the devil's list long ago, i just escaped barely. barely.If theres a god up there, im sure he helped in his mysterious ways, like giving me the added focus in class, that determined determination to wake up every frickin morning at 4 to study till night. im still amazed at myself.

And also, just celebrated my bro's birthday(joshua) yesterday. heck, happy birthday bro, catch up soon yea?

it seems that it was only the beginning, the race has only just started. that frickin 2.4 marathon? bitch i've just completed the easy run, the starting sprint where everything seems so frickin easy. i can forsee an future of suffering in the immediate future. damn.

i dont know, i just really dont know. anymore psychological wounding, and seriously, reader, i might just do something drastic.

all i can say is that; god works in mysterious ways. and i hope i lived up to whatever path was ordained for me thus far.