an constant reminder of everything that i lost

i dont understand
okay, i do.

the cause of all the negative feelings is me. see, it all happened in the past. WHY wee siang, why cant you let it go??

WHY CANT YOU LET IT GO?

answer: im only human, im not god, im not apathetic, im a regular human, that cares, so much so untill it hurts to even think.

so much so...i wont use the phrase "feeling so much pain, every fibre of my being screaming for release", but its close. yeah.

i've lost nearly everything 2 years ago. nearly everything to somebody i've never knew and probably would've never met.

slimy, fatass bastard.

cause, even though i didnt know him, if i tried hard enough, and i stared hard enough at those pictures, i could fill him with the spirit of myself. to walk around in his shoes. oh no, i dont understand him. but at least, hes a guy, and we are both connected in a primal sort of way.

so, if your reading, the above thought process made him real and realistic to me..even if i had never met him before

possessive? hell. you have no idea you fatass what i feel like doing to you now. you stupid boy.

POSSESIVE OF HER? ISOLATION? FUCK GOD DAMMIT I SO WANNA DO ILLEGAL THINGS TO YOU!!

see, i constantly see myself being compared to him. i dont know where this competitive streak comes from. i know you may be saying: " why stir up old memories? they are old and should be left there, untouched, and forgotten and relagated to the dustiness of history"

but see, i cant. everytime i do something, i try my best for her. regardless whether if its at my own cost, i just try, cause i knew, deep down, that fatass tried before too. and the idea that he tried and he earned the title of "loving" or "thoughtful" or some title of endearingness from her especially, that makes my blood boil. even the first kiss. the first time, i felt like i wasnt kissing her, i was kissing the lips that HE touched before. naturally, i felt confused. im so confused and messed up. And her experience was probably gained from kissing HIM, not ME. getting the picture now? even if hes gone, he is still hovering around, a restless ghost. haunting the present, from the past. a spectre of relationships, of what could possibly go wrong. i dont wanna screw up at all. 1 wrong move, and the utter sense of failure that i get could very well be the end of me.

and hell, did he satisfy her? most probably. most probably. looking at the photos. a slap to my face, every single time.

and i cant stop looking. i cant stop hating. its a dumbass situation that i've brought upon myself, and its one that i could've prevented and stopped, if only if my ego were smaller.

but is it ego? or is it just the idea that im, for a extremely lack of any other word, using something that has already been used? in a sense.

no guy likes that feeling, trust me.

least of all, me, whom sacrificed my first. ohno, i shouldnt complain. no i shouldnt, im being too unfair. life's cruel. i feel anguished.

and i shouldnt complain, cause after everything, i have her in the end, and it will stay that way, and its all that matters.

but another part of me finds it hard to let it go...